It's cheesy, but Halo's like that, and that seems to me like pretty much exactly what the Chief would say in that situation.

: He's like Michael J Fox in Back to the Future.

what?

: Really, if it were to work it wouldn't be just more cuts, it would need to be
: reworked. Your initial cut is about as far as you could go *just* with
: cuts, but to get rid of talk and focus on the emotion and gravtas, you'd
: need new angles and more creative direction. Maybe a fade/dissolve close
: up of Cortana's hand touching his armor as he remembers her, or something
: along those lines.

I agree with the post that said that was also cheesy and didn't fit especially well, so I wouldn't want it repeated. Something similar... maybe.

: Anything to make up for the forced 'look how he's trying to be strong,
: but can't' line running throughout.

It looks to me like he almost completely can, it's just the "almost" part that's supposed to matter here.