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Re: Anyone willing to look over my Machinima scrip
Date: 10/26/13 11:19 pm
In Response To: Anyone willing to look over my Machinima script? (MatthewDratt)

(p2) COLEMAN - "Than what would you call it First Sergeant Miles Grant? ..."

This bit sounds really awkward. A First Sergeant and Master Sergeant both hold the same pay grade, and are considered equal (I dunno, someone check me on that). Nevertheless, Coleman should just address him by his rank or by his first or last name.

(p3 random notes) Admiral Martin and 1stSgt Grant and the Marine astronomer

I'd figure that the UNSC's most skilled astronomers are commissioned officers or civilian employees, not Marine senior NCOs.

Also, I don't know the relationship that the Admiral and First Sergeant have, but it seems awfully familiar. He's speaking rather informally and openly questioning the Admiral's intent.

(p5 random notes)

When reporting to a superior officer, the subordinate would present themselves, not the shipboard construct. Coleman would enter the bridge walking to the Admiral with good posture, stand at attention, and announce her presence to the Admiral (e.g. "Sir, Master Sergeant Coleman reports as ordered"). Of course, your Admiral could just get down to business without insisting she go through all that pomp, but leave the AI out of it.

Coleman, like Grant, is speaking informally with the Admiral. Throw in some acknowledgement of rank (Sir or Admiral) when appropriate.

(p6) COLEMAN - "Admiral Martin is a friend of mine. You do not get to call me that."

That's a really bitchy (unprofessional) thing for her to say, especially from one senior non-commissioned officer to the other. Makes me think that she's more of a civilian than a salty Marine. With Admiral Martin still present, this is not in her best interest to advertise her relationship to her shipmates, lest scuttlebutt become rampant.

(p7) COLEMAN - "Geeze, just take a look at inferred." (cont...)

Most grunts aren't given advanced courses in astronomy, and she'd know that. I'd cut down on the snark or make her a civilian.

(p10 random notes)

Admirals do have their flags aboard fleet ships, but I would imagine that they'd rarely exercise their authority over a single ship's combat operations, rather, focusing on its place within the battle and the formation. The ship's Captain would conduct ship-to-ship and air defense operations against hostile forces. Admiral Martin, with only Mesa in the formation, would probably relegate himself to the overall mission.

The Marine aboard the Fleet defends their ship against enemy boarders, mounts boarding parties of their own, and even mans its guns. The very second a Covenant ship jumped into view, Grant would be well on his way to don his armor and arm himself. His tactical knowledge in naval warfare extends only to within the ship and its exterior, not the space in between two warring ships. Recommending the deployment of a tactical nuclear device is ill-advised.

(p11) CONSTRUCT - "Hole breach in lower section. Emergency doors sealing."

Correct terminology would indicate a "hull breach" and the construct will specify a more precise location for damage control teams and medics to arrive on-scene.

To reduce the effect of major flooding from a hull breach, the ship's crew close off all unused hatches (naval lingo for a "door") even in a peacetime situation. The same would be applied in space to prevent depressurization of unaffected areas. "Sealing depressurized sections" would be the better line.

(p12 random notes)

You should've probably specified in the script that he has ODST armor.

Most modern-day cruisers, destroyers, frigates, and corvettes possess a embarked aircraft to conduct ship-to-ship replenishment, anti-submarine warfare (Prowlers in the Haloverse), search and rescue, and other duties. As such, the ship would host berthing areas for the flight crew(s) and maintainers for the aircraft. You don't need a Marine astronomer to jump in a Pelican when there are better trained pilots aboard. Only Spartans need to specialize themselves in all aspects of warfighting.

(p13) MARTIN - "Mayday, this is UNSC Mesa, we are crashing into an unknown dome. I repeat -"

Add in another mayday for good measure. You can never be too sure out in the celestial unknown. :P

(p16) GRANT - "Can you not behave Sergeant?"

Marines don't refer to their non-commissioned officers with the short hand "sergeant." It's Master Sergeant or nothing, yo!

(p17/18 random notes)

The Pelican I could see a Marine astronomer master sergeant perhaps knowing her basic controls, but a Banshee is a bit out there. Make them go the long route. Don't make your everyday Marines into a video game protagonist. Odds are that Banshee had a wingman on its tail who knows how to dogfight.

(p21 random notes)

The Cole Protocol (if this is pre-armistice) should take precedent over civilians.

(p24) COLEMAN - "You'll be remember as one of the best Admirals the UNSC ever had. I promise."

Super duper cheesy. Since Coleman was a good friend to Martin, her response should be simple, or even non-vocal. "Goodbye", "I'm sorry, Ryland", "See you later, Ry", etc. and closing his eyes is how I'd go. You can't really avoid the cheese, but don't try to maximize it.

...and I'm done!

Sorry if that seemed a bit too nitpicky. I hope you find some help with the above recommendations. Good luck!

Messages In This Thread

Anyone willing to look over my Machinima script?MatthewDratt10/26/13 9:32 pm
     Re: Anyone willing to look over my Machinima scripGrizzlei10/26/13 11:19 pm
     Re: Anyone willing to look over my Machinima scripPerseusSpartacus10/27/13 12:31 am
     ThanksssMatthewDratt10/27/13 1:16 am

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