Here I go and buy a new G4 to replace my increasingly faulty hard drive G3, and I get parenting jokes. Hummph! For this we spent 4 grand?
Seriously Zan, this is a good one, but you did forget the notably unsuccessful: "It's time. We will potty-train by leaving them/him/her in regular pants, so they/he/she realize it isn't fun to have messy pants."
... and sure that really works. Heh!
Thanks Zan ... :gets gfh mb fix::
Be well,
MB
: How to know whether or not you are ready to have
: children...
: MESS TEST
: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a
: fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
: summer.
: TOY TEST
: Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute
: roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the
: house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom
: or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a
: child at night.
: GROCERY STORE TEST
: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
: them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight
: and pay for anything that they eat or damage.
: DRESSING TEST
: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
: small net bag making sure that all the arms stay
: inside.
: FEEDING TEST
: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
: Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug
: swinging. Try to insert spoonfulls of soggy cereal
: into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
: airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the
: floor.
: NIGHT TEST
: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
: 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak thoroughly in water. At 3:00
: p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00
: p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
: p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
: have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
: these too until 4:00
: a.m. Set the alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make
: breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
: INGENUITY TEST
: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
: paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet
: paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas
: candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
: Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, and an
: empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the
: Eiffel Tower.
: AUTOMOBILE TEST
: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate
: ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
: Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette
: player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip
: cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
: rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
: PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
: Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
: of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
: remove 10 of the beans.
: PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
: Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
: counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to
: the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
: arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
: the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
: quietly for the last time.
: FINAL ASSIGNMENT
: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
: them on how they can improve their discipline,
: patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table
: manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
: to them that they should never allow their children to
: run wild.
: Enjoy the experience. It will be the last time you will
: have all of the answers.
: *************************
: (tasteless, but it did make me chuckle. Sorry :) )
: Gardening
: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't
: seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while
: taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who
: had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
: tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do
: you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
: The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand
: in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my
: tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
: Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try
: doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it
: would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed
: herself to her garden hoping for the best.
: One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman,
: "By the way, How did you make out? Did your
: tomatoes turn red?"
: "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are
: enormous."
: ************************
: "Support bacteria - it's the only culture some
: people have."
