: Not "and," certainly... if he's going to change
: anything, "Nor do you..." sounds better,
: but, personally, I feel that it accomplishes the
: desired effect much better as it is... The use of
: repitition, though perhaps a little long, is very
: good: Very nice usage of the language overall. One
: tidbit of advice only, and that's just that it seems a
: little unbalanced between the "You do
: not..." statements and the rest of the speech. I
: think that, if you were to expand upon the "You
: will march into a city of death and face an army of
: umimaginable power," it would make it much
: better. Add some ideas in, and some more of a feeling
: of inevitable doom , you could accomplish a lot more.
: Very nice, for a speech.
: Suggestions: "I do not send you to any sort of
: battle. I will not make any pretense to such. What I
: send you to is massacre - your massacre. I send you
: not to kill, but to be killed."
: This might make a good introduction to it, and creates
: possibilities for expansion into your ideas (the whole
: "You will march..." thing)... It definitely
: is just an introduction, and it is definitely
: intended as only the beginning of some extended
: dialogue before the "You do not"s section,
: if you decide to use it (or some variant thereof).
: Though possible to convert this introduction into a
: repitition scheme similar to your "You do
: not"s, I personally wouldn't add any more
: repitition of such kind to the speech (it wouldn't
: agree very much with the "You do not"s...)
: Anyway, even if you don't use it, I still believe you
: should expand upon the beginning... It's a little
: abrupt to just plunge into the repitition scheme of
: "You do not die for..."
: Anyway, just some constructive ideas. As I said before,
: great use of repitition, and good speech.
Originaly there was a longer intro were Alric descibed what the plan was, but it didn't seem right Alric announcing there plan out loud where they can be heard by Balors minions. The actual plans wouls be quietly passed down through the ranks. This is just a pep talk before hand. And the You do not die is, i agree a bit repetitive and goes on a bit long. I think I'll change it so that "You do not die"
is at the start of each group and "Nor Do you die" on the second two. The whole I send you to massacred idea, isn't great I think, because Alric wouldn't want them depressed because a) He wouldn't want them to fight so badly that there diversion wouldn't last long enough to give him enough time. b)He wouldn't want them to march away en mass. c)Most of them probably didn't even know that they were only a diversion and thought they were the actual main attack.
-zeph 768
