: The "You do not"s sound somewhat redundant and
: emotionless. Maybe put the word "and" in
: there. And add the word hope in with the race cause
: and blood thing.
Not "and," certainly... if he's going to change anything, "Nor do you..." sounds better, but, personally, I feel that it accomplishes the desired effect much better as it is... The use of repitition, though perhaps a little long, is very good: Very nice usage of the language overall. One tidbit of advice only, and that's just that it seems a little unbalanced between the "You do not..." statements and the rest of the speech. I think that, if you were to expand upon the "You will march into a city of death and face an army of umimaginable power," it would make it much better. Add some ideas in, and some more of a feeling of inevitable doom, you could accomplish a lot more. Very nice, for a speech.
Suggestions: "I do not send you to any sort of battle. I will not make any pretense to such. What I send you to is massacre - your massacre. I send you not to kill, but to be killed."
This might make a good introduction to it, and creates possibilities for expansion into your ideas (the whole "You will march..." thing)... It definitely is just an introduction, and it is definitely intended as only the beginning of some extended dialogue before the "You do not"s section, if you decide to use it (or some variant thereof). Though possible to convert this introduction into a repitition scheme similar to your "You do not"s, I personally wouldn't add any more repitition of such kind to the speech (it wouldn't agree very much with the "You do not"s...) Anyway, even if you don't use it, I still believe you should expand upon the beginning... It's a little abrupt to just plunge into the repitition scheme of "You do not die for..."
Anyway, just some constructive ideas. As I said before, great use of repitition, and good speech.
Dom.
