: nb, but, if this is supposed to be in journal briefing
: style, a little overly choppy in style towards the
: end; the traditional journal style has more flowing
: clauses. I know I'm being picky. Sue me.
Doesn't have to be the Bungie guy's journal, I'm sure others wrote too.
: By the way, just another picky little thing, but the
: phrasing of "the onset of winter and the coming
: of the snows," seems a touch awkward (but then,
: it's an awkward idea to phrase in that particular
: situation. I hate it when that happens ;)
No, it sounds good.
: "when the snow flew"? something like that could
: mb be worked in there to make the phrasing sound more
: like something you might see coming from the pen of
: the journal-writer himself.
: But then, all this is assuming that you were attempting
: to write in that style. The story itself is fine, just
: trying to help critique the style (again, assuming
: that you were attempting to - you know, I think I'll
: just shut up now).
: =)
:p
: doom
: PS: BTW, when exactly does this story take place?
: (relative to other events in the Myth world)
