nb, but, if this is supposed to be in journal briefing style, a little overly choppy in style towards the end; the traditional journal style has more flowing clauses. I know I'm being picky. Sue me.
By the way, just another picky little thing, but the phrasing of "the onset of winter and the coming of the snows," seems a touch awkward (but then, it's an awkward idea to phrase in that particular situation. I hate it when that happens ;)
"when the snow flew"? something like that could mb be worked in there to make the phrasing sound more like something you might see coming from the pen of the journal-writer himself.
But then, all this is assuming that you were attempting to write in that style. The story itself is fine, just trying to help critique the style (again, assuming that you were attempting to - you know, I think I'll just shut up now).
=)
doom
PS: BTW, when exactly does this story take place? (relative to other events in the Myth world)
