: edited, hopefully this is finally ready.Date Unknown,
: Llancarfan.
: (BEGIN STORY)
: After but a day’s rest after our defense of Bagrada
: against the Dark, we headed for Llancarfan.
: What we saw can only be described as shocking, both to
: the Heron Guards and myself.
I still don't like trhe two after's. Try from instead of the second one.
: For the first time since Clovis founded the Cath Bruig,
: Llancarfan has fallen to an enemy.
: Not even Moagim and the Myrkridia were able to take the
: city in the Wind Age, now nothing but ruins now lie
: where the once mighty city had stood.
Too nows also sounds a bit off. just get rid of the second one.
: The effect this has had on the Heron Guards with me, can
: not be overstated. They believe that they have failed
: their Emperor, and that if they had been here when
: Balor assaulted the city, it would not have fallen.
: Eight Pride Stalking noticed my puzzlement as the Heron
: Guards tore the gold tiles from the palace walls and
: has explained it to me. "We are unworthy of being
: called Heron Guards.” he said. “We have failed the
: Emperor, and the people of the Cath Bruig.”
: He also said that they will lay down their swords and
: armor, becoming wandering healers to atone for their
: failure.
: I am worried for the safety of the Province.
: But I can do nothing about that now.
: We now head south to towards Ileum, home of the great
: citadel of the Avatara. It saddens me to destroy the
: citadel where I was initiated into the ranks of the
: Avatara, but surely Balor will seek it out and we can
: not let him augment his powers any further.
Get rid of the to before towards. The use of citadel twice is quite irritating which is why I think I suggested something else in a previous post. It's up to you though.
Other than a few doubled up words. Very nice.
: (END STORY)
: The (BEGIN STORY) and (END STORY) are just to show where
: the story starts and ends because of my statements
: before and after.
: If this is posted as journal fiction, do you need my real
: name or anything? Just curious.
I don't need it, but it would be nice.
: It doesn't really matter to me to tell here, since most
: (Seaman Recruit not counting) people on the ayslum are
: reasonably trustworthy, but still.
: Ah well, hope this meets your exacting standards.
: I'm proud of this work, and grateful for the compliments
: I have recieved so far.
I don't know why you'd worry about people knowing your name. Even if they were untustworthy. It's your choice though. Email it to me so it's more concealed from prying eyes of forum lamers. Granted it'll be on the fan fiction site but chances are, they won't find that.
Once again. Good job. Oh and check the news to see what Forrest was on about.
