: Great job Seraph. You;ve improved this vastly over these
: two edits. Still a few errors which need ironing out.
: Maybe: "After but a day's rest from our defense of
: Bagrada..."
okay...will work on this.
: I don't like the two "had"s so what about:
: "..had fallen and was razed to the ground"
: this is because it is still razed so is an unfinished
: action in the past.
again... will work on this.
: Good line
thanks
: "palace walls AND explained"
: Is the bit about laying down the swords still part of the
: quite or is it Seraphan's own words.
Seraphan's own words. Presumably Eight Pride said it in some way, but it was not a direct quote.
: How about: "...of the Cath Bruig. They will lay down
: their swords and armor, becoming wandering healers to
: atone for their failure."
If I do that, it would be quoting Eight Pride so we instead of they and our instead of their.
: Nice
thanks.
: This comes out of the blue a bit. He says he's going to
: Ileum, then without warning he says: "It saddens
: me..."
: Try: "We now head south, towards Ileum, to destroy
: its great citadel of the Avatara.
: It saddens me to bring ruin to the citadel where I was
: initiated into the ranks of the Avatara, but
: surely..."
Makes more sense. We don't (assuming this the first entry people see) know he has any reason to personally care about the citadel.
: Make of those what you will then send me your favourite
: of the three editions and I will put it on the site.
Alright.
Will get to work ASAP.
Thanks for being a good editor.
Seraph
