: Second repost.
: It's still slightly long (237 words. But at least it's
: not 437 or something like it was earlier (I didn't
: know I could be so long winded)
: Well, for those of you who haven't read my story, read
: it. You'll like it.
: Comments, questions, lynch mobs, and anything else can be
: sent to Gold_dragon_29@hotmail.com
: Seraph
Great job Seraph. You;ve improved this vastly over these two edits. Still a few errors which need ironing out.
: (BEGIN STORY)
: Date Unknown, Llancarfan.
: After but a day’s rest after defending Bagrada against
: the Kithless, we headed for Llancarfan.
: What we saw can only be described as shocking, both to
: the Heron Guards and myself.
: The once mighty city, bastion of humanity in the darkest
: hours of the Wind Age had fallen and had been razed to
: the ground.
Maybe: "After but a day's rest from our defense of Bagrada..."
I don't like the two "had"s so what about: "..had fallen and was razed to the ground" this is because it is still razed so is an unfinished action in the past.
: For the first time since Clovis founded the Cath Bruig,
: Llancarfan has fallen to an enemy.
Good line
: The effect this has had on the Heron Guards with me, can
: not be overstated. They believe that they have failed
: their Emperor, and that if they had been here when
: Balor assaulted the city, it would not have fallen.
: Eight Pride Stalking noticed my puzzlement as the Heron
: Guards tore the gold tiles from the palace walls has
: explained : "We are unworthy of being called
: Heron Guards.” he said. “We have failed the Emperor,
: and the people of the Cath Bruig.”
: They will lay down their swords and armor, becoming
: wandering healers to atone for their failure.
"palace walls AND explained"
Is the bit about laying down the swords still part of the quite or is it Seraphan's own words.
How about: "...of the Cath Bruig. They will lay down their swords and armor, becoming wandering healers to atone for their failure."
: I am worried for the safety of the Province.
: But I can do nothing about that now.
Nice
: We now head south to the citadel of the Avatara in Ileum.
: It saddens me to destroy the citadel where I was
: initiated into the ranks of the Avatara, but surely
: Balor will seek it out and we can not let him augment
: his powers any further.
This comes out of the blue a bit. He says he's going to Ileum, then without warning he says: "It saddens me..."
Try: "We now head south, towards Ileum, to destroy its great citadel of the Avatara.
It saddens me to bring ruin to the citadel where I was initiated into the ranks of the Avatara, but surely..."
: (END STORY)
Make of those what you will then send me your favourite of the three editions and I will put it on the site.
