: Should be "as soon as we could" since you used
: the perfect tense with "set out".
Ya...
: "apsent" should be absent
I cann't spell. I think phoenetically (again I probably just mispelled something)
: Okay, some critical comments. A few lines in that are
: more or less verbatim quotes from the Journal:
: "spired towers and monuments"
: "buried under a [virtual] mountain of rock and
: sand."
: "the mightiest empire the world has ever known"
I'm not sure how else you would phrase a description of Muirthmne and the Cath Bruig.
: This bothers me somewhat. Also the fact that the
: paragraphs are very short makes the story seem rather
: disjointed. The whole thing stretches out too long as
: well though that might be a trick of the eye as a
: result of the numerous line breaks.
I'll rewrite it at some point if I do anything more prement with it.
: Another thing which strikes me as a bit irritating is
: that the Avatara has no idea why the Heron Guard are
: donning the gold tiles. Also you say that the Heron
: Guards are returning from the battle at Bagrada in
: which the Forest Giants had taken a part, well, until
: they didn't return, and yet you mention that he hopes
: that the Forest Giants will help them.
I'm assuming that this is BEFORE the giants decided to help out, but Seraphaen is hoping on it. Regarding his ignorance, he's not a Heron Guard, and I don't think they made a huge deal of it being an act of pennence as they did it.
: One problem I find with reading the story is that it
: tries to use too grand a vocabulary all the time.
: Granted, the Journal Writer did use quite
: sophisticated vocab but he did slip in a few
: colloquialisms and slang: "Damn, I hate the
: cold" for example.
We're talking about an Avatara, so he will probably be much higher level of education and such. (also I cann't think of anything that would be good for describing the setting.)
: You have also taken a few liberties with history (I'm not
: saying they are untrue, but they are unsupported).
: i.e. Ileum is mentioned once with no detail explain it
: other than there are plains before it. I would
: probably have included this in the Journal Fiction
: section but for these things which bug me. However, if
: the forum (including Forrest and Zan) is unanimous
: that this is an awesome piece, I will reconsider.
I know that it is an unsupported conclusion. I needed at place for it to be and it was something that we would have no reason to say "it cann't be there".
: Other than a few gripes and s+g errors, well done on the
: story and please don't misconstrue my critique as a
: damning because this is a hell of a lot better work
: than many people could produce. Just thought I'd give
: you my (hopefully constructive) judgement.
: Oh and to the forum in general, don't be afraid to offer
: your own criticisms on Journal Fiction up at the
: moment, direct it to me as I wrote them both. I put
: them up as I had no feedback at the time on them. So I
: tried to look at them objectively and felt they met
: the criteria of the Journal Fiction section.
: Always open to criticisms.
It is constructive.
This is the first time I've ever done something like this, and as such, probably would be rough draft level.
I'll probably rewrite it because, yes parts of it are not exactly ideal.
Still, thanks for saying it is good though.
When this gets edited and rewriten to higher standards, I'll repost it.
Then you can go ahead and put it in the journal fiction section if it is good enough.
Seraph
