: This is writen by the Avatara Seraphan, but it is more or
: less in the style (I hope) of the Journal Writer.
: Seraphan is made up, and is NOT one of the Nine,
: although he could have been if he had wanted to be.
: (but that's another story)
: So here goes. I hope that you guys like it, and if so
: I'll do more.
: NOTE: If someone knows when the Heron Guards (month day
: day of week) returned to Llancarfan/Muirthemne, please
: tell me. (GURPS info okay on this)
: Date Unknown, Llancarfan.
: After but a days rest from defending Bagrada we set out
: for Llancarfan, moving at double time in order to
: reach the city as soon as we can.
Should be "as soon as we could" since you used the perfect tense with "set out".
: Instead of the majestic city that was the center of the
: Empire, we saw naught but ruins of what once were the
: spired towers and monuments.
: The once glorious city lies buried under a virtual
: mountain of rock and sand.
: For the first time since Clovis founded the Cath Bruig,
: Llancarfan has fallen to an enemy.
: Balor has razed the mighty capital of the Cath Bruig
: Empire.
: The effect this has had on the Heron Guards that helped
: our small force at Bagrada hold against the Dark, can
: not be overstated.
: They believe that they have failed their Emperor, and
: that if they had been here when Balor assualted the
: city, it would not have fallen.
: All but a handful have taken nine gold tiles from the
: palaces walls. Eight Pride Stalking, has explained to
: me what they are doing.
: As pennance for being apsent during the fall of the city,
: they will wear these tiles, each the weight of a grown
: man and discard their swords and armor.
: "We are unworthy of being called Heron Guards"
: he said.
"apsent" should be absent
: I can not argue with him, although I am worried for the
: safety of the Province.
: We can only hope that Caliban will end our futile war
: with the Fir Bolg, and that their bowmen will aid us.
: Perhaps we will be able to enlist the aid of the Dwarves,
: and the reclusive Giants of Forest Heart.
: Even then, can the Province even hold off, let alone
: defeat the fiend, who has destroyed the mightiest
: empire the world has ever known?
: We head south to the citadel of the Avatara in Ileum.
: We will save what we can, and then destory the place, so
: that Balor can not gain the knowledge of the Avatara
: to augment his already formidable powers.
: It sorrows me to destory the place where I was taught the
: ways of magic, and the sword, but it must be done.
: (END STORY)
: Seraph
Okay, some critical comments. A few lines in that are more or less verbatim quotes from the Journal:
"spired towers and monuments"
"buried under a [virtual] mountain of rock and sand."
"the mightiest empire the world has ever known"
This bothers me somewhat. Also the fact that the paragraphs are very short makes the story seem rather disjointed. The whole thing stretches out too long as well though that might be a trick of the eye as a result of the numerous line breaks.
Another thing which strikes me as a bit irritating is that the Avatara has no idea why the Heron Guard are donning the gold tiles. Also you say that the Heron Guards are returning from the battle at Bagrada in which the Forest Giants had taken a part, well, until they didn't return, and yet you mention that he hopes that the Forest Giants will help them.
One problem I find with reading the story is that it tries to use too grand a vocabulary all the time. Granted, the Journal Writer did use quite sophisticated vocab but he did slip in a few colloquialisms and slang: "Damn, I hate the cold" for example.
You have also taken a few liberties with history (I'm not saying they are untrue, but they are unsupported). i.e. Ileum is mentioned once with no detail explain it other than there are plains before it. I would probably have included this in the Journal Fiction section but for these things which bug me. However, if the forum (including Forrest and Zan) is unanimous that this is an awesome piece, I will reconsider.
Other than a few gripes and s+g errors, well done on the story and please don't misconstrue my critique as a damning because this is a hell of a lot better work than many people could produce. Just thought I'd give you my (hopefully constructive) judgement.
Oh and to the forum in general, don't be afraid to offer your own criticisms on Journal Fiction up at the moment, direct it to me as I wrote them both. I put them up as I had no feedback at the time on them. So I tried to look at them objectively and felt they met the criteria of the Journal Fiction section.
Always open to criticisms.
