: As some of you may know, I'm a PC gamer not an Xbox gamer. That means I don't
: fit in so well around here because I can't play Community Customs or laugh
: at Halo 3 jokes. However, it also means I can get things like the Steam
: Controller, which comes with a copy of Portal 2 for PC. Now, I already
: have Portal 2, so I've got an extra digital copy just sitting in my Steam
: inventory. I think maybe you can see where I'm going with this.

: What must I do to be deemed worthy of your Portal 2 gift, Oh Great One? ?

: Simple. Give me your best Halo dad joke. It'll be judged by me obvs, and
: the deadline is...1230 UTC on Tuesday. This is no long-ass fancy contest.
: Jokes must be hilariously awful and not require more than about 30 seconds
: of thinking to understand.

: Include your Steam name in your reply (if you don't have a Steam account it's
: free and you don't have to install anything right away).
: If you already have Portal 2 on PC and are planning to re-gift it to a friend
: so you can play together, that's totally cool. I would ask that you don't
: try to sell it or anything like that, though.

This one I heard from a dad at a Boy Scout campfire. I've modified it to fit in Halo, and my Steam account is Tuckerscreator just like my username. I already have Portal 2, but I'll give it to a friend. A friend I haven't seen in a while. Maybe they'll like it.

***

In the loneliest reaches of space, in stars unseen for thousands of years, lay the ringworld Halo. Since its creation none had visited, until one hundred millennia, upon which there came a lone starship. Bisected in half, unable to fly, this wreck carried in it a lone Spartan. This Spartan had been sleeping for years and slept even still, until his vessel crashed on the forgotten world.

With no way to repair his old starship, the Spartan woke and left to search for a way home. The surface of Halo provided him with all he needed to live, but with no one alive this was still a desolate place.

Then came the day that the Spartan encountered a curious robot. It was a floating droid, round, silver, and with a single blue eye. It greeted him cheerfully. 'Hello, I am the Monitor of Installation 04. But you may call me Nate.'

'Nate', responded the Spartan. 'I am Master Chief. I crashed her some time ago. Can you tell me a way to get offworld.'

'Surely you mustn't leave right away', said the robot. 'Not when you've become the Reclaimer.'

'Reclaimer?' asked the Spartan. 'What's that mean?' The droid led him to a sacred plinth, in the middle of which there was a lever. 'This lever is the secret of Halo. If you push it, it will end the world, all life, forever. I have been guarding this lever all my life. And now it is your turn.'

'My turn? But I just got here. And why would I ever want to end the world?'

'I don't. But someone might. And whoever that person may be, you must guard this from them. Besides...' The droid looked down. 'I admit I am lonely. It's been eons here with no one else. I would like to travel. See the galaxy afar.'

The Spartan thought for a while. He could be stuck here forever, but he agreed this lever had to be protected. And this robot did deserve a break. But how long of a break?

'Listen', said the Spartan. 'I don't think I'll last long on this job, eighty years tops. Maybe I could guard this spot for a while while you take a vacation. But you'd better come back. Understood?'

Nate understood, and they agreed to rotate shifts. Nate would get a month of vacation and if he wasn't back after that then the Spartan would leave. Whatever happened to the lever after that was Nate's fault. And so the ancient droid boarded a starship and flew to the stars.

So the tired droid left, and the Spartan was left alone there. Just a month standing guard was boring. He amused himself playing tic-tac-toe against himself, arm wrestling by himself, counting stars, running in circles until he got tired. In the back of his mind, he wasn't sure if Nate would actually return. If the robot didn't, would he have the guts to leave the lever unguarded? He wasn't sure.

A month had passed, and the Spartan awoke to a flashing warning. Imminent meteor shower. He had to raise the ring's shields to prevent any damage. As he rose to activate them, he saw another transmission. It showed an incoming ship, and on that ship was... Nate! He had returned! He was hailing the ring, alerting the Spartan to his landing.

But the Spartan couldn't respond back. The meteor strikes were clouding communications. He had to raise the shield soon to stop the big ones from getting in. But if he did, Nate's ship would be blocked. It wouldn't be able to get back inside, and might be crushed by the meteors.

The Spartan thought urgently about what to do. If he didn't lower the shields and let Nate in, then the bot would die. And then the Spartan might be stuck on the ring forever. But if Nate's ship took too long to enter, the meteors might enter with them. They might destroy the ring, maybe even push the lever. And if that lever moved...

With sweating brows and gritted teeth, the Spartan rose the shields and yelled "Better Nate than lever!"